Word Count: 3,611
Inspiration: All 4 books/movies
Warnings: Mild language, self-indulging references</b>
Summary: Prequel to "Other Bella". Bella has had plenty of revelations as to why her life as a vampire was not what it was cracked up to be.
Author's Note: Hello everyone, NG55 here again! I want to thank all of you for having read my first posted story on here, this story's prequel. Your suggestions for a prequel, to when Vampire Bella is coming to realize things, and also a sequel, were requested. And well, I decided to give it a try! I hope this will suffice to you all! I will soon write the sequel of the prequel.
It had been many years since Bella Cullen had become a vampire, just as she always had dreamed of. Ever since it happened, and she fully realized it upon her glorious awakening, it was all she could have dreamed of. Immortal life, being beautiful for all eternity, not having to worry about growing older than Edward, a perfect Vampire family, and with such beauty and grace. It seemed like the perfect life at first. Bella had everything she ever wanted, and could not possibly have been happier. She felt that as the years would go by, it would only get better and better.
This, however, was not the case.
A revelation such as this will eventually strike those who do become supernatural, undead, immortal creatures. Everyone feels it at different rates. Some later or earlier than others. For some, at times, it was half a century. Maybe one or two centuries. It all depends, there's no set time for the revelation to strike.
The revelation, was of course, that an immortal life was really not what most made it out to be. In any kind of fictional medium, you would see characters seeking some kind of a means to an immortal life. The Fountain of Youth, a spell, an object, a treasure, a potion, whatever kind of plot device that could somehow make you immortal. It seems like an ultimate goal, to be able to live forever and see the progress of humankind and the world around.
But, just as everything, it came with a price. Immortality also meant being unable to grow any older. Pretty soon, it's not long until your family is dead, all the friends you once had are dead, and everyone you ever knew is gone. While you remain the same, and have to live with it. Oh, sure, you can make new friends along the way, but then it's the same process. Soon they will eventually die, and the cycle starts all over again.
Boredom will eventually set in. You go to school, high school or college, over and over again, just to have something to do. An excuse to read books or write essays, an excuse to learn things and get better at them. Eventually, you try every subject and it just becomes repetitive and dull.
You can get a job, but wait, you have to be careful how long you work in one place. Eventually, there will be jobs you can't have for whatever reason. Because of how old you apparently are. If you get too comfy and stay too long, people will begin to question it. You would have to relocate almost constantly every couple of years.
Everything around you becomes incredibly mundane. Nothing thrills you anymore. You've seen everything there is. Sure, you can still read new books, see new movies coming out, play new games, all that good stuff that once as a human, you loved as a distraction from the real world. But is that really still any way to live? That the only things that are considered new, are entertainment?
There were so many cons to being immortal. You just never truly realize it until you become immortal yourself, and come to see, just how much of a cursed life it really is. Sure, you enjoy it for a while, the prospect of having all the time in the world to do whatever you want, wherever you want, whenever you want. Death has become a thing of the past, and you don't have to worry about a thing.
It's not long before the revelation sets in.
And when it does, you find ways to prove it wrong.
Bella Cullen never considered the consequences of becoming an immortal. To anyone who tried, she would turn a deaf ear on them. The equivalent of throwing her hands over her ears and shouting “LA LA LA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!” over and over. She never would've thought that she would come to regret her decisions.
Rosalie only ever gave her “I told you so!” looks whenever she caught sight of Bella moping.
The Cullen coven all now lived in Seattle, right in the city in a penthouse, specially renovated to be completely soundproof and protected in every way so that their neighbours wouldn't hear. Because it rained a lot out here, or was otherwise overcast it was no trouble going out. The diverse population and all the people around made going out into the city perfectly easy. Sure, people would sometimes be stricken by their beauty, but it would never garner a second glance, and they tended to just blend in. Hunting was no problem, since they were so close to Forks and everything.
To their neighbours, they were just strange, weird, rich people who probably had a buttload of surgery in order to look that good.
Keeping up appearances, they did keep beds in their rooms, despite not needing them. Aside from lovemaking. They were especially designed and formulated to house their strength without breaking.
They had been living in Seattle for a couple of years now. Renesmee loved it in the city, and was already flourishing in being the top of her class at school, despite that she was still very young.
Jacob Black visited from time to time, claiming he came to see how they were doing and making sure Renesmee was doing all right. But by now, Bella knew better. Renesmee was his imprint, and when she was old enough, he was going to take her on as his mate. She was not comfortable with that. In fact, it sickened her. Even if Renesmee was a normal, human baby, it still irked her to know that one day, Jacob would make sure that she would one day be his mate. It was as disturbing as Quil imprinting on Claire Young. Oh, they could claim it was just fine all they wanted, that he would be a good friend to her all her life, but Bella knew. It was practically a waiting period for when she was older and he could have sex with her. The same definitely came to be with Renesmee.
What had happened? What had happened to Jacob Black, the very nice and easygoing fun kid she had made mudpies with during her summers in Forks? Or when Charlie would take them for ice cream together, or watched movies...
What happened to those days? What happened to the Jacob she knew and remembered? When did he become so...terrible? It made her want to cry just thinking about it.
Nothing was the same. Nothing.
Over the past year, this was how she'd been feeling. There had been inklings here and there, but this past year, it had grown all the more.
Bella couldn't help but just feel so torn up. Her life was just not what she thought it would be. An immortal life with Edward. She was only realizing just how much of a huge, huge mistake she had made being with him. Not just in becoming a vampire and ruining her life, oh no. The worst was before that.
It was moments like this that Bella was far beyond grateful that Edward could not read her mind. Yes, she did still have Alice to worry about, but at least, for now, she could still contemplate in private.
Edward abused her. Since the beginning, he was controlling, condescending, disrespectful, arrogant, hard-headed, abusive, controlling, possessive, selfish, abusive, horrid...and did she mention abusive?
How could she not have seen that before?
Spying on her when she slept, before they had even exchanged one sentence with him. Breaking into her home, on top of that!
Dragging her to his car when clearly she said no.
Sabotaging her truck so that she couldn't go visit Jacob. Protection and safety, her ass. She knew the full reason now. He was just jealous and possessive.
Keeping things from her for her so-called protection and so she wouldn't worry.
Disrespecting her wishes and opinion on nearly everything.
Condoning murder for her own sake and protection.
Left her without any consideration.
Guilt-tripping her. Even in that, going as far as manipulating her.
But it wasn't just him, either. Bella too, wasn't blameless by any means in the entire situation. It wasn't even just about letting Edward getting away with abusing her. It was everything. The way she treated her father, her human friends, and everyone around her. The people in her life who were trying to be good to her. And she had taken her social awkwardness and shoved it right in their faces. How could she have done this to them?
She didn't help anyone, she didn't even do anything to earn any of this. That much she knew. All she had ever done was sit there, whine, complain, cry, and just take everyone down with her. Bella knew this all too well, and she deeply regretted it. She had been so selfish, so horrible.
Now she had nothing to show for it. Nothing. Just being a vampire. She had thrown her life away. And for what? A guy. It wasn't like converting to religion, such as becoming Muslim or Jewish. Sure, you may have been tied down to it, but at least you were still a person and could somehow get out of it. Being a vampire was not the same thing. It was just the same as death. No turning back from it. Once you became a vampire, you stayed a vampire. There was no going back to being human. You couldn't just hit a switch and revert. Bella had gone into this without any true outlook on what it really meant to be a vampire. To her, it was glorified luxury. But what it really was, it was a cursed life. More of a curse than it was a blessing.
Bella couldn't even revel in her own beauty. Anytime she looked in the mirror, she saw nothing more than the empty shell of the young woman she once was. No, she wasn't Bella Swan anymore. She was Bella Cullen, an empty shell, a glorified and updated clone. She saw no traces of her old self in there. In the past, she reveled in that. But now, she longed to find her old self in there. In that beautiful, flawless face, she was nowhere to be found. Bella Swan was long gone.
Everything was dull to her now. Not even Renesmee, who was supposed to be her own pride and joy, couldn't even make her happy. She was nothing but a symbol of everything wrong she had ever done. She was the result of her decisions, and her despicable behaviour. She had no love for her. Only bitter resentment.
Jacob had imprinted on her, and Bella could only imagine what would happen. She thought of Emily Young, poor Emily. How she had absolutely no choice but to stay with Sam. She had said no, and he had attempted to rip her face off. Oh, sure. They always looked to be all smiles and happy, but that's just what Sam wanted. She had to be happy and be the doting, happy wife. But Bella knew better. The last time she saw Emily, all she saw was a mask. A mask with a fake, happy smile on that scarred face. There was nothing genuine. Everything was forced on her part. Those scars were nothing more but a mark of her being a prisoner. A reminder of never saying no to Sam. It was his way or the highway.
Bella shuddered. She was glad vampires didn't imprint. But they may as well have, given how Edward refused to ever take 'no' for an answer for anything.
She found no joy in being with him. Not even making love with him thrilled her. Just two days ago, they had gone to their meadow, and made love right there. But Bella felt nothing but the same old thing. All she could do was stare up at the sky, and wait for it to be over.
Bella hated him! HATED! She hated him! She wanted him DEAD! Dead and buried! Oh, she could kill him herself if she wanted to!
Bella took a few deep breaths, managing to calm down. That obviously wasn't the answer to any of this. Not at all.
With no other options, she took the remote and turned on the TV. As she flipped a couple of channels, she was surprised to find this one movie playing. It was The Nightmare Before Christmas...a movie she really liked as a kid. Surprisingly enough, considering the visuals and the style wasn't her cup of tea back then, and yet, she could always get into it and just love it when she was a kid. The story, the aspect of the Holiday Worlds, the characters, the comedy, the fantasy, the romance, everything! She had loved all of it!
I haven't seen it since....I don't know, I was twelve. Bella thought, staring at the screen wistfully as the graveyard scene played out, where Jack had been shot down from the sky and was lamenting about the losses.
And the lyrics of the song just...struck her like never before.
“What have I done?
What have I done?
How could I be so blind?
All is lost, where was I?
Spoiled all, spoiled all
Everything's gone all wrong
What have I done?
What have I done?
Find a deep cave to hide in
In a million years they'll find me
Only dust and a plaque
That reads 'Here Lies Poor Old Jack'"
Bella felt mesmerized. Absolutely mesmerized. Sure, many songs could fit how she felt right now, this song included, it just struck her so. Oftentimes she asked the same questions he did, came to the same kind of conclusions. To just find a cave and hide in it, letting herself rot away and die. Then years on, they would find her nothing but dust.
That was what happened to Bella Swan. She was in a cave, nothing but dust and bones, with a tombstone that read Here Lies Bella Swan.
She focused her attention on the movie then, and just felt her heart, if it still beat, sink. The way that Jack could really stand up, and say “What the heck, I did my best, and I left some stories they can tell!”, with such philosophy she admired...she envied that. Yeah, funny, envying a fictional character. But really, the principle stood. She wished she could stand right up and see the bright side in all of this, and make up for her mistakes.
But she couldn't do that. It wasn't that easy. Not at all. She couldn't just make up for her mistakes in one fell swoop.
Her eyes brightened, even just a bit, at the sight of Sally on the screen...despite how much trouble she was in at the current moment. She had liked the rag doll a lot, and she remembered how Renee had bought her a little rag doll in her likeness for Christmas one year. Whatever happened to that doll? She didn't remember.
The memories of the film just came flooding back. As if she had watched it just yesterday. She remembered the lengths Sally had gone to protect Jack and stop him from taking off in his sleigh. Pouring fog juice into the town fountain. Bella felt struck. That was her going to lengths to protect him, and really, a last resort. She had a reason to stop him. It had nothing to do with jealousy or possessiveness, not at all. It was because she loved him and didn't want her premonition to come true.
Bella wanted to weep. Why...why couldn't their love be like that?
Well, not entirely. If the situation had been something like that, say Alice got a premonition about some kind of disaster like that, and Bella tried to warn Edward, he would laugh and say she was silly, or just tell her to stop worrying over nothing.
She sighed again.
Bella finished watching the film, and wished that she could cry during the ending scene when Jack and Sally united together on Spiral Hill, singing about how they were meant to be.
Meant to be.
Bella turned off the TV, placing the remote down. She heard footsteps enter the den, and her head turned a little. She didn't even need to look to know that it was Carlisle.
“Are you all right, Bella?” Carlisle queried.
Shaking her head, she heard her father-in-law figure come and sit down on a recliner near the couch.
“You're unhappy.” Carlisle told her.
Bella looked at him, and sighed again. “How do you do it? You've been around for centuries...longer than I can even imagine. And yet you still go on. If I could die right now, I'd welcome it.”
Carlisle smiled very little. “I merely stay alive to help others, Bella, and for this family. I think, in a way, a lot of us do stay alive because even though we do want an escape, we're also at times, afraid to die.”
“....Are...you afraid to die?” Bella asked him.
The Cullen patriarch looked uncertain. “It's very hard to say, Bella. I can't say I wouldn't welcome it, but I also wouldn't actively seek it out, either. I have a responsibility to this family, I can't simply turn away from it.”
Bella pursed her lips and then nodded. “I guess that's true.”
“But let's get back to it. You're unhappy.”
“...Yes. About everything. Just...everything. I want to go back in time to before I met Edward, with everything I know now, and do things differently.”
“...You're not the only one, Bella.” Carlisle murmured. “There are times I wish I could have acted as a better parent. Especially to Edward. All I wanted was to be a good husband, a good father, and yet all I had done were terrible things.”
“But you're so-” Bella began.
“I wish I were, Bella. But I'm not. I've made plenty of mistakes of my own, and I deeply regret them.” He said, looking at her then. “And not just with this family, but in my past, before all of this even came to be. I too, have to repent for my sins. If only I were given the chance to do so.”
“It's not too late. You can still change things for the better.”
Carlisle smiled a bit, and shook his head. “I'm afraid it's not that simple, Bella. I can't just flip a switch and turn over a new leaf instantaneously. It takes time. And the damage has been done far too many times. I would have to do very much to fix things.”
“I'm sorry.” Bella said, touching his hand. “For everything. I know that it is far too late for me to say that, but, I hope you know I'm sorry.”
“I know.” Carlisle said, and stood up again. “I'd better get to work. You have a nice day, Bella.”
Bella smiled sadly, nodding. “Yeah. You too, Carlisle.”
He gave her one more small smile before he exited the den.
As the youngest vampire sat there, staring off into nothing, she began to think. To think of how much she would give to be human again. To have her life back, and be able to make better decisions. She really could have done something with herself. Go off to college, make amends with her family and old school friends, make new friends, and overall, just make the best of her life with what she had. Maybe to be a school teacher, or possibly a secretary, an office worker...she could've been almost anything if she just put her mind to it. Work hard, study, and just have fun with the journey. What she would give to really be eighteen, to be on the road to discovery and living her life, setting her goals and working things out.
Bella sighed again. She would never get to do that now. Ever. The only escape from this was death.
She regretted everything. Charlie, her own father. She missed him so much. From his mustache, to his smile, the way he made blueberry pancakes with corn syrup, when he'd taken her on little road trips, watched movies with her... Everything. She missed him so much. She never realized how much she loved him, how much he meant to her, until she lost him forever.
She missed her mother, too. Renee really was a good mother. She remembered the patchwork piece made of all their treasured t-shirts...as a memento. Where was that thing? She wanted to hug it and cry into it. Or better crawl, into her mother's lap and sob while she held her.
Mike, Eric, Jessica, Angela, she missed them, too. They were good kids, and had always made her feel welcome. Even if she was a bitch to them.
The old Jacob Black. Before he became a part of the pack, before he was a werewolf. She missed him so much. The Jacob she knew from childhood...and the Jacob she knew when she had first moved to Forks. Even if she wasn't too crazy about his longer hair, the shorter hair suited him better. None the less, she missed that Jacob a lot.
She just wished...wished she could go back in time and tell her past self what a huge mistake this all is.
If Bella could cry, she would be right now. She really would be.